rabit's creed

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  2. untitled…what i want

    “You are the only kid i know who doesn’t have a dream” my mom yell at me while she was scolding me, that time i asked myself what is my dream, what do i want in my life that time i can’t remember what was my answer to my question. Ever since when anyone asked me what is my dream, i always say to finished my studies and work but to be honest that’s not my dream that is my mom’s dream and i am just trying to do it for her. When someone asked me what do i want in life, i paused for a long time and answer them i want money, money to spend, money to pay my mom’s debt and money to give to my mom so she could by all the things she want. I don’t really know what i want and what is my dream all i know i am trying my best to do whatever my mom wants me to do. If not for her i might just sleep all day and try to eat with nothing, yes i am a lazy kid. To be honest till now i don’t know what i want and what i want to be, because i know a lot of things i want to be a lawyer, doctor, teacher, photographer, writer, and more; but then the problem is the money and the resources, i don’t have money and don’t have much time. I always thought that i am running out of time to do things so sometimes i end up not finishing what i’ve started and just drop it. It is not actually a good idea and im getting tired of dropping things that i can’t finish but then i still do. I am struggling to keep up the enthusiasm that i found at first and then time will come that i will grow tired of doing what i am doing and just drop it and try to find a new one to start. It is easy to start a new thing but then it is too hard for me to finish whatever i started and leave it unfinished. Have you watched the movie STEP UP, the first one; it is one of my favourite movie and the main character there was Channing Tatum, he’s the kind of the guy that start a lot of things then just drop it when everything seems crazy, i hate to admit but yes i am like that when i grew tired, or when i don’t like the things that is going on i drop it and leave, when things get out of my hand i drop it and leave because i don’t want complicated things but it seems that complicated things like me so much and that gives me a lot of trouble. I am trying to figure out what do i want to do in my life and trying to be certain with what i am doing. As of now im trying to find my own way of doing things and trying to finish what i’ve started. How about you do you know what you want?



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  3. untitled… panic

    This is Rabit i am back for more, whatever it may be. It was six o’clock in the evening i was preparing to go out and have dinner with two ladies; i am kinda in a hurry since it’s already late. I have to take a cab to go their place to fetch them so we can go together to the cinema, i asked the cab to stop about few meters away from their gate so that they will not know that i took a cab but it was stupid idea since they are already waiting outside. So i walked and greeted them we took a cab from there and went to the mall, the first option for dinner was to eat at Pizza hut, it was a good idea since i was craving for pizza since yesterday but then they change their mind and went to Italian resto instead, but since there are two of them i cannot possibly argue with what they want not to mention they are both girls. So we i end up eating seafood fried rice and they have their own order of course. After we ate we went to the cinema, it is a premiere night a new movie in town; i was waiting for this movie since i saw the trailer that it was a good movie, so we bought pop corn and soda and find the sit for us. So the movie started and it is kinda boring at first but then you will see the progress and you know it is really good movie.

     

    It didn’t take so long when the movie stop, it sucks since it is the premiere night it should not be happening and for me it is unforgivable. I hate that cinema, a few minutes it was back again and then it was gone again for the second time i really hate it.  Then the fire alarms started to rung and one of the lady that im with asked me to take a look of what is happening outside, so i stand up while holding my popcorn i went down, a few steps and i saw them coming as well since the fire alarm are still ringing, at the alley we asked the cinema personnel what is going on and the only answer that we got is only god who understand it, but i understand when he said that we need to go out, i asked him again what is happening and he said we need to get out and not to panic, it was annoying to asked someone and the answer you get is far from the question, and so we then walk out from the movie house down to the fire exit, as we hit the stairs i saw that more and more people are trying to get out fast and not only from the floor we are at but also from the other floors but still i didn’t panicked i got the chance to saw peoples face and their reactions when it comes to said scenario, it was quite funny how they react to it, maybe it is a matter of life and then but i am not able to feel any urgency to walk faster, so my partner was yelling at me already to stop eating(oh yeah i still have my pop corn in at hand and im quite mad since she didn’t took my soda ) and walk faster. I told her just to go since there are people in front of me as well. I tried to look up and saw the people trying to walk faster and one of them actually shout not to panic but of course they still run and panic. From tenth floor to ground floor it was tiring and funny since i am able to observe different reaction from different races. When we are waiting for any report or whatever you call that is or maybe we are just waiting if we can still go back and finish the movie, but then the two ladies told me that we should just grab a coffee instead, but to be honest i hate the idea since there is no good coffee here. So i suggest to have a coffee at Coffee bean but then they said that it was too far, and we end up having coffee to one of their local coffee shops, so there we are looking at the menu and while choosing for a coffee to order im crossing my fingers hoping that i made the right decision ordering for cappuccino and thanks god it was not as bad as i thought it will be. While having a coffee still they are talking about what happened back at the cinema, i wonder when it will end. We are already miles away from the movie house and they are still talking about what happened, i guess that is normal to people to talk about certain events especially when it involves them. So i just sit there quietly and drink my coffee, the coffee isn’t bad, but i ordered hot coffee not warm. After a few minutes of sitting there and reading a magazine the lights went off and so again they thought the sh@t that happened back at cinema is following us.

     

    The day ends with nothing but trouble since i am still awake and it is already six in the morning and i am still going out early today. So in every scenario people has a different response and you can’t not expect people to act the way you want them or the way you are acting.



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  4. untitled….awake

    funny it is already four in the morning and i am still awake. i can’t sleep but my head is aching and asking me to get some sleep already…so goodnite and i will try to sleep already.



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  5. untitled….struggle

    I am not actually sure what i am thinking. I don’t know why i am writing these things and nothing.  I am wondering what my motive for writing is.  I guess it just came to me all of this thing just pop up into my head asking me to express them, asking me to write them or it will not let me sleep a bit. I don’t know when was the first time i tried to express what is inside me. I guess it started when i was brought to the place where i grew up where my entire nightmare started. The past keep on hunting me and i don’t know why it keeps on popping in my head even though i don’t really want it. I wasn’t seeking for attention or maybe i am. I was abandoned and so i thought or maybe it is me who abandoned them  maybe it is me who tried to get away from them, i tried my best to get away to all the pain and all the loneliness i have in life. No one seems to understand and no one seems to see it the way it should be, maybe i am looking for someone to see what i am going through but then no one saw it.

     

    Let me tell you a story, there was a kid that was born in a happy family but in bad time. He never got the chance to meet his father though his father is alive he never got the chance to see him even it a picture.  He lived with his mom, sister and his grandmother as he knows. When he was 4 years old the long awaited visa of the grandparents came along and it is time to go to abroad, his grandmother took his very sister together with her two sons and so they went to Canada. He was left with his mom who he is very happy to have since for long he long for his mother attention that was only shown to his sister, who was very intelligent and very good kid. He was happy to have her mom all by himself. After a few months his mom met a new friend, her moms’ friend asked her to go with her to the province and where they will live together. The idea at that time was good since he doesn’t know what was coming that time. And so they went as well abandoned the home he once knew. They went to the province where at first they live with the relatives of her moms’ friend, her name is Anita. Anita was a good person back at Manila; she was the one taking care of him when her mom was at work. The time to go to the province came and so they went at first they live d with Anita’s’ relatives they grew fond of him since he is a new kid and he was so clean and handsome at that time, he never knew what was coming at that time. There they started a new life at first it was good a new people, a new place, all of the people is fond of him, all the attentions of the people is with him. At early age he was taught how to do the house chores and they even brought him to the farm, since it is a new thing for him who grew up in the city he doesn’t mind it at all he even presented himself to go and do some farm works. He was kind and does it all kid, he wants to try everything. But something change that he wasn’t expecting at all. The attention that the people showing to him suddenly gone and most of all her mom’s attention. At first he doesn’t mind he is still enjoying what he is doing going to the farm, doing some house chores and all. He was then sent to school for the start of his education he was happy at first few days of school and then after a few weeks the horror started. Every afternoon when it was time to go home his classmate wait for him to come out of the room and beat him in the middle of the road till all his things was broken and his shirt was torn apart. At first he doesn’t mind it since he thought it is something like an initiation since he was a new kid on there. But his classmate never grew tired of beating him for the rest of the school year same routine happened, they will wait for him to come out of the room and drag him to the road where they will beat him and torn his things apart, take whatever they want from his things. The worst part is not the bullying but the humiliation that was brought to him and all the things that comes with it, their school teacher saw everything and did nothing the people on the road saw it every time but they just laugh at him. He never tried to tell to his mom since his mom was busy at that time making living for them as he thought. He wanted nothing of it, then one time the class was on break and they are playing outside when they found a frog, the kids played with it tortured it and trying to kill it slowly, since he wanted to act cool and he wants to belong he came with a great idea of throwing a stone to the frog that escaped from the hands of curious kids, he then did what came into his mind he grabbed a stone about size of his head and lifted it in the air and threw it in the leaping frog but the same time his classmate was trying to grab the frog and the accident happened. The hands of his classmate were hit by the stone he threw, they immediately told to their school teacher. He tried to explain that it was an accident but then the teacher made her conclusion he was scolded by his school teacher, the teacher who didn’t do anything about the bullying that happened every afternoon. And to make it worst they report it to his mom, his mom is number one terror she doesn’t need to look when she’s hitting him, then when he arrived at home his mother punished him beat him till she’s satisfied and everyone was satisfied with his mom did to him. Then he moved to other school when he was 4th grade, he was happy to transfer he thought it will be a new school, new friends but then what he didn’t knew was, it was a new chapter of horror that will come to him.  Then he notice the attention that he wants from his mom wasn’t there anymore it was all then given to her partner. And the fun was suddenly gone, going to the farm was not voluntary but it was then became a mandatory, it became an obligation.  He never wants any of it, he just want to be a normal kid, play and have the best time of his life, he grew tired of doing all those things but they will scold him for not going to the farm and not doing the house chores. His mom grew more and more busy with everything helping people connected to her partner and at that time he realize his mom also abandoned him, and with that he tried to gain his mother affection he tried to get what was his in the first place, he started to do bad things, bullying kid, stealing things, and all but all he gets from his mom was beating, and nothing else he was then misunderstood.

     

      As he grew up the job in the farm was becoming heavier and heavier he wants to say no, he wants to go away but then he can’t do anything of it. While at school he makes the most of it trying to live a life of a free man he wants to do the thing that he was never experience when he was at home and that is to enjoy. Since he started going to school he was never help by his mother with his school works. There was only one time and his mom beat him since he can’t pronounce the word “ruler” he was beat by his mother and asked to leave the house. Since then he never asked for help from her. And as he grew old he was then called a “bad kid” he was told that he will never achieve anything he will never be successful with his life since he was bad. When he graduated from grade school he went alone and his mother came late since he helped someone again, he didn’t mind it since he was used to it already his mom told him that she was helping them to pay all the good deeds those people did for us, for taking care of us and accepting us in their family, little she did knew that she was not doing her duty to his child anymore. And then he went to high school he doesn’t want to attend school at that time since he didn’t feel like it. He wants to work to earn money to escaped the world he was in but his mother doesn’t want him to stop to go to school though he doesn’t want to go he doesn’t have any choice at that time and he still did a good job completing the school year and then when he was second year he was asked to stop to go to school and help his mom and the farm, he doesn’t want to stop this time so what he did, is he tried to look for  a scholarship and he was successful in finding one. He then completed the school year. He graduated from high school and want to go to manila to study but then they doesn’t have enough money to send him to school at that time they are already broke and his mom have a lot of loan and needed to pay it, since he was tall and he loves basketball he planned to used it to continue to go to school but then luck wasn’t it his side that time after the graduation he was then diagnosed with Scoliosis and he was then bedridden for almost couple of month and he missed the tryout he wants to joined in. People on that place still wanted him to go to farm and help them with their chores. They didn’t know what pain he was going through, the doctor told him that it was hereditary or it was caused by early childhood labour and so he blamed them all for letting him do the heavy works at farm.  And his entire dream was gone and he was frustrated.

     

    Till now he was frustrated kid he attempt to go to college and yet he fails, he run away from the place he grew up leaving all the things behind all the bad memories he had and all the things that comes to that place. He hated the place and cursed it beyond all means.



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